News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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