i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
