So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
