i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
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It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
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I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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