Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
