planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
