it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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