there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
