I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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