The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
