He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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