Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
