so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
