Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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