This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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