i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
