wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
