i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
