The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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