you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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