I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
