Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
