i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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