Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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