my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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