Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
