I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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