I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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