if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Randomize
