New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
