I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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