fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
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She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
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Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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