My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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