Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
