i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I want her autograph on my taint
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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