I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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