highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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