So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
