she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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