No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
