How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
