you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
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Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
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I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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