ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
