im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
