The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
