no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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