What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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