I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
