All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
