I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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