paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
