Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
