There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
