The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
