Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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