Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
